The Assies: The Awards Show Awards Show award
The Assies: The Awards Show Awards Show award

When The Academy Awards officially announced their 2016 nominees last month no black performers were named for the 20 acting statuettes, causing oversensitive artistes to view the upcoming Oscar event as a January Linen White Sale (eyeholes not included). But there should still be plenty of loving cups and sculpted figurines to go around so that everyone will get a politically correct “Social Justice Trophy” just for showing up.

With the never-ending award shows in the media these days handing out brightwork for movies, TV series and specials, cable shows, music of every genre and streaming video productions it was only a matter of time before someone created an awards show for bestowing bling on the best awards show. And here it is…

The First Annual Awards Show Awards Show presented by the American Showbiz Society of Awards Show Shows (ASSASS) will confer their most coveted prizes, highly polished genuine plastic bobble head statuettes known as The Assies, for the best performances on an awards show.

Best Awards Show of the Season and Best Awards Show Host will be the ultimate awards, to be presented in awards show tradition an hour and forty-five minutes after the show’s scheduled end. Other Nominees to watch are musical newcomer Sassy Warbler in the Best Crossed-Up Cross-Over Mash-Up Music category with her groundbreaking Rockabilly-Blues-Gospel-Hip Hop Madrigal cover of Finky Creedman and the Texas YidKids‘ classic “Wazzup Wit U Mama Tireeza?” and “Anti Libertarian Girl” in her Screaming Video “Whooo Will Build the Roads?” nominated in three different categories: Best Clichéd Solo Appearance, Best Troll Rant and Most Downloaded Gibberish by Clueless Preteens. And watch for this sleeper in the Best Documentary category about the “privately held” Internet company titled “Searching the Same Branch of Your Family Tree.”

Because The Assies are brand spanking new and because – according to the Award Show Experts at Rotten Tomatoes – there are only 48 awards show events during the 2015-2016 Awards Show Season, only three nominees in each category will be considered this year. Here are the most important Nominees!

The Best introduction of a Presenter award appears to be a tossup between Blythe Ayrhead, Les Tallant and Artie Knottgoode while Best Award Winner Announcement by a Presenter seems to favor Randy Singer over Holly Woodenvyne and Kurt Ennkall. Best Musical Solo, Duo, Group, Band, Orchestra or Excessively Extravagant Broadway Style Musical Production Number on an Awards Show category features a close race between pop star Bouncéy, country girl band Ditzy Chimps and the neo country-chamber music sensation Vio Lynne & the Cello Pickers.

Two closely watched categories are Best Inappropriate Political Plug by an Award Winner and Best Special Cause Advocacy by an Award Winner. The general consensus among award-watchers has actor Lowe Browe winning the former when he bellowed “Vote Bernie for Dictator” on the Scream Anchors Guilt Awards Show (He later insisted that he meant the “Weekend at Bernie’s” Bernie) while Grody Ovar-Ackton is expected to win for his shout-out of “Support hemorrhoid research” during his acceptance speech on the British/Celtic/Scotts-Irish/Welsh Interdependence Film Awards Programme.

Then, the BIG ONES: The Best Awards Show Host/Hostess/Hoster award will be won by either Stan Dupguy, Anne Knouncer or M.C. Preezentour while the Best Awards Show nominees are The Golem Glob Awards, The Sheeple’s Voice Awards and The Porn Producers Diswardrobed Awards.

Finally, few fans know that the Assie Awards are the only awards show with a Highest Hollywood Hypocrites category. The rumored inaugural awardee will be outspoken gun-hater and action-adventure-thriller shootem-up superstar Mutt Demon. In a clearly unrelated side note all award shows are protected by heavily armed security guards, snipers on the roof, armored cars, and bomb sniffing dogs walking the red carpet. Naturally no DEA agents or drug sniffing dogs are allowed.

Garry Reed
Libertarian Opinionizer at

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